I think I was carved to let things go
Since I was little, I’ve heard something along the lines ‘it is better to let go than to hold on — holding on to something that is not meant for you is dangerous’ but how long should one keep backing down on anything; on anyone?
It feels like I consumed the art of letting go a little bit too much — unconsciously.
I forgot to bring raincoat and I got drenched in the rain while we’re on your motorbike. My body shivered like crazy but I knew you want to get home sooner. It’s okay we can keep going. I hardly get sick, don’t worry about me.
I saw the sparks in your eyes are slowly dimming. You are getting bored of me and I didn’t even try to revive it —I know people get bored all the time, especially of me. You’ll find someone more exciting and we’ll eventually drift apart. It is a consequence of mine on loving you too dearly.
Days are turning into months since I’ve last texted my best friend — My guts are telling me I got replaced and I don’t feel sad anymore. It happens all the time.
My grades are failing and I don’t yearn about it anymore — I felt rage firing up my shoulder telling me how much of a dumb fuck I am yet I did not shed a tear. There’s still time left to fix them.
I have been craving the noodle across the street for so long but my friends are on to something else and I stayed silent — I can get it next time. Sometimes I even forget my friends are willing to listen to what I want. Most of the times it feels better to just let people decide.
I have been crying for days and I am too tired to figure out why. Maybe it’s my hormones acting up. Maybe I’m just feeling tired from school. It has always been like this. It’s too much of a work to figure out my feelings.
Rather than sad, being this kind of person just feels empty. Even when I am mad and my insides are burning, I just try to normalize it and let go of my anger. It feels like I am just floating here, nothing to hold on to, no string to attach. I feel a lot of emotions inside yet at the same time I am too numb to act on it.
Sometimes It’s terrifying to see myself growing numb. To see the softness I have in me dies out. I don’t feel as gentle as I used to before. Is it because I’m carrying too much of disappointment? Is it because my parents won’t let me stand for myself as a kid?
Maybe, in another lifetime I can have something to hold onto.
See, I am letting go again.
